The Most Important Question Before Kickoff — and Why It Matters Beyond the Field

The players frowned.

"What’s the coach asking us now?" probably flashed through their minds.

In my view, I asked a perfectly normal question.

But to be fair: it’s not a question that's commonly asked.

Yet the answer can offer players a powerful insight — precisely when it matters most.

Just before the match, I asked:

"Who can accept that losing is a possibility?"

Whoever couldn’t accept that possibility, I did not select to start.

The Possible Outcomes

But Mauro, aren’t you a performance psychologist?

Shouldn’t you want your players to hate losing and do everything they can to win?

Absolutely.

I want players to fight for the win — within the rules of the game and our team agreements.

But our opponent isn’t helping us succeed. They want to win too.And if they happen to score more goals than we do on the day, then they win — and we lose.

This isn’t pessimism; this is reality.

Every match has three possible outcomes: win, draw, or loss.

Anyone who can only tolerate one of these options is not truly prepared.

Worse still: if winning is the only acceptable outcome, the pressure becomes unnaturally high.

Moreover, it’s irrational.

You don’t control the final result — unless you’re playing far below your level, against much younger teams, or the match is rigged.

But then: what is such a victory really worth?

In my view, a victory only has true value if you could have lost as well.

If two teams are evenly matched, they push each other to perform at their very best.

And as a coach, what more could I ask for?

This is what I explained to my players — and soon the frowns disappeared, replaced by determined looks.

Why This Question Helps Players

By consciously asking players to accept that losing is a possibility:

• You increase realism: players learn to deal with uncertainty and external factors.

• You stimulate intrinsic motivation: players play because they want to, not because they have to.

• You reduce performance pressure: the focus shifts to effort and execution, not fear of failure.

• You build resilience: players keep fighting, even when they’re behind.

Ultimately, it creates breathing space.

Knowing that things can (and may) go wrong gives players room to play more freely and perform closer to their maximum.

At least, that’s my experience.

A Real-Life Example: Craig Bellamy

A painful example of what can happen when losing isn’t an option is Craig Bellamy.

The former Premier League player couldn't accept any outcome other than a win.

When he lost, he even felt worthless.

As a result, he sometimes literally lost control —with the low point being a physical altercation with a teammate during a match.

A player who can only accept winning and even bases their self-worth solely on that lives under constant high tension.

And that tension is destructive — for themselves, for their team, and for their performances.

What You Can Take From This — Beyond Football

In professional life outside of sports, outcomes are often uncertain:

• A project can succeed — or fail.

• A client can say yes — or no.

• A job application can end in an offer — or rejection.

Those who can only live with the perfect outcome, and tie their self-worth to it, burden themselves with unnecessary pressure —increasing the risk of stress, burnout, or impulsive decisions.

By contrast, those who dare to accept all possible outcomes stay free to focus on what they can control: effort, preparation, attitude, and behavior.

Just like in sports:

Those who can't lose, can’t truly win either.

Reflection for You

In your work, your sport, or your life:

Can you accept losing, setbacks, or rejection as real possibilities — and still fully commit to your goal?

Curious for More?

This is exactly the kind of theme I explore in my books, trainings, and podcast.

Would you like to work together on achieving better performances with more joy?

➔ Discover my books, trainings, and podcasts here.

About Mauro

Mauro van de Looij helps players, coaches, clubs, schools, and organizations to perform better while enjoying the process — both on and off the field.

He is the author of De trainer maakt het verschil (The Coach Makes the Difference – The Basics and On the Pitch - only in Dutch), a lecturer in (performance) psychology, entrepreneur, and host of The Coach Makes the Difference – The Podcast (in Dutch).